NONSENSE

I am scared. And I am scared of myself. I am afraid that I will never open up to someone in my life. Never ever. I am in a state of mind where I can’t even think of talking sense with someone and that’s because I have become so accustomed to just blabbering and not even bothering to know what I mean. Its weird,  this feeling that wants me to stay away from anything that even comes close to giving me happiness. Guess I’m just too used too this stupid pain.

I don’t want to talk. I don’t even want to express myself in any which way. Only let this darkness engulf me. I have become sort of comfortable with this whole thing. Its been eating me up inside but now I don’t even think about it. This emptiness,the nothingness makes me sane and makes me realize of the little part of myself that is left.

Learning the lessons of life, carrying this guilt along for quite some time has had this effect on me, to make me “comfortably numb”. What made this happen? When did all of this nonsense even start? No clue. It just happened. See, I told you I don’t want to express my self. And trust me, I hate it.

I guess some questions in life are never answered..or if they are,we’re perhaps to engrossed with the question to even bother to find an answer. I don’t think the previous line made any sense. Don’t bother.

WHY?

She craved for him now. She wished he was in front of her and she could just go and hug him. But, that was not going to happen. They had been friends for three years now and were studying in different colleges. Phone calls were regular,texts exchanged without fail and meetings were fixed over those chatpate golgappas. Until all that happened.

                           Three months back she had gathered all her courage and said it or rather, rushed through those words. She wanted him to know but still not want him to know. There was a lot on stake back then. Today,She had nothing. More than two years of being "just friends", she found herself hoping for more. She knew he would be the perfect guy. The guy she could love unconditionally .He was charming and they had met at some coaching classes back then. Those two years at coaching were unforgettable. Even today it takes only a thought of those days to make her feel nostalgic. Those long text convos at night, the story telling of each day in absolute detail. She would happily exchange her life to live those days over and over again. It was only after destiny had layed its plans for them. They took up the same course but in different colleges but it was the same city. "So near, Yet so Far".A year had passed by and nothing with him seemed to change.

                          It was one of those freezing cold nights in December. She usually found winters depressing but this eve was different. She had decided to tell him what she was feeling for him for the past 4 months. She had repeated in her mind umpteen number of times the lines that she would say.She had chosen her words carefully. after all she did not want to lose even the friend in him. She was nervous as hell. But she had to. "Now Or Never." After a session of golgappas at their favorite place,while walking on the street when the cold breeze was hitting them on their face, She said "There is something i haven't told you and it is something that has been bothering me for so many days now. I have to let you know this!"

He said "Oh! So you have been keeping secrets from me now?? Haww!" He was being a jacose. And she loved him like this. She looked up and said "Look its serious okay? I don't even know if you can take it. look the thing is..." and his eyes were such a distraction. They were beautiful and well, Honest. He said "woah! Take it easy re..whatever it is, it won't kill me..chal bol ab.." He was still smiling. She continued "umm..alright. I don't know when did all this happen and i am not sure if it is meant to be but.." He was serious now and waiting. She said "I have feelings for you Joe..and i am falling for you..I think I LOVE YOU!"

The last line was spoken with schumacher-ising speed. She had shut her eyes while saying that. He was stunned but his face showed no emotion. He sighed. He wanted to say something but couldn't. He nodded, came closer to her held her face in his hands. It seemed as if he was about to cry. Intense was the word. He kissed her on the fore head, hugged her tight as if never wanting to let go and finally kissed her hand. She was elated and thought of those moments to be everything she had  ever longed for from him. But he left her hand and got away from her as if someone pushed him. He said "I'm Sorry. I can't do this. Please Forgive me."  He ran towards his car and and drove away. Even before she could realize, she was crying. She didn't know what had just happened.
                         She didn't sleep that night. He didn't mean what he had said and that prolonged hug and the kisses..they had to mean something. She thought. She called him. No answer. Dropped a text. No reply until morning. She composed herself for another day drained of all the energy and inspiration. Why the heck does it hurt so much?
                         He had to at least give an answer.  It was his unexplained silence that was bothering her the most. Had she lost him? Why did he do what he did?

                         

HIM

Its not him

Its not her

Its not you

Its not me

It never was us

It was always that one entity

Who we longed for

In any which way

Through love

Through despair

Through hope

Through FAITH

We belong to him.

When Everything Is Going Wrong

Often I feel that my life is a complete mess. There is not a single venture that seems to be going smoothly.My friends don't understand me really and its no use telling my parents about my problems. They have their own to deal with. Its frustrating at times. And for me it often results into anger. The anger which is cited as "unreasonable,unexplained and undue" by my near and dear ones. And then i feel that perhaps i can't do a thing right. It eventually results in breaking down more often that necessary.

Such days i think about my purpose of existence and again i feel useless. lol! All of us may or may not recognize the purpose of our existence but i believe its necessary to understand that we will,someday! For some it may take seconds,for others a lifetime maybe. But there is no point shoving youself into depression now and then.Things will work out,someday! What we need to keep going is a smile on our faces even when we don't want to display that prized possession of ours ;) a positive attitude, yes..its not easy though! It takes a lot of your will power and determination to keep those negative thoughts at bay. But you know what, you'll get sick if you keep thinking that negative way.

But the magical tool we all ought to use is..FAITH! Something that should remain intact even when everything is shattered. When nothing seems to be going right, when you think its all over. Faith comes in and holds you together. Its a miraculous tool. :) and the good thing is we can use it as much as we want..:)

 No matter what, Just remember that THIS TOO SHALL PASS for there is known to be light at the end of every tunnel.

Have a great day ahead! :)

THE WINTER

Under The mild winter sun

He held my hand tight

Looked into my eyes

I could feel his breath now

It was beautiful and how!

Just when I thought

It will last till eternity

Who knew

 It would be worth the pity

He broke his silence

And left me shattered

This was all that mattered

Soon it begun to rain

He left me there

In despair

I died once again.

NEW HORIZONS! :)

The new feel

Never experienced before

Leads to unusual horizons..


Hopefully!

Happy Reading! :)